Trust in what? and how?

People come to a point in relationship (sometimes) where they are angry and upset or withdrawing little by little.  Perhaps their partner has been unfaithful, seems not to ‘be there’ for them or somehow is stimulating them feeling upset – they see themselves as ‘let down’.  They wonder how can they trust the other person again. (This relates to ALL relationships including with our children).

Trust what?  What is it we are wanting to trust, needing to trust?  Where does confidence in our relationship come from? It comes from experiencing these five things.  That we are…

• important - we matter – we are significant – uniquely significant, more than basically anything or anyone else in our partners life eg. work, parents, family, friends
• loved and valued such that our partner reaches out and wants to connect with us , cares and is empathetic to our feelings and needs
• fun to play with, as well as do the hard or routine daily life with
• likely to receive willing contributions from our mate, that are the kind of input we (not they) value
• able to be confident/ certain we will repeatedly experience the above needs being met

To say “I want you to trust me” or to try to re-build trust can seem daunting.  What is trust really all about?  Trust in what? When you break it down into these 5 points, in other words into being able to specifically experience these human needs being fulfilled – love and friendship can grow.

If you are not experiencing one or more of the above it can be painful and yet retrievable.  We only withdraw from our loved one in one or more of these areas for one reason – to pursue what seems like a better strategy to meet these needs.

Once how we are doing this is identified and ‘seen’ then instead of reacting to meet our needs unconsciously draining energy away from our relationship or in a way that is destructive to our happiness and/or our partner’s happiness  – we can (and usually want to) choose new ways that affirm and strengthen our relationship.

Sometimes we’re just not aware these needs are like essential bases that must be covered.  Are you showing your partner that they are number one, that you care about their feelings and needs and love them, having fun and playing  with them (in their way of playing?), following through so they consistently experience this and can rely on you as a key support in meeting these needs?

Ironically sometimes the underlying pattern behind infidelity (which can happen even when we appear to still be in the relationship) can be a lack of experiencing these qualities being fulfilled by being with our partner and so seeking another strategy/ source of fulfilling these needs outside of the relationship.

Imagine what might happen if you (or your partner) brought these all to life, 10/10, in your relationship?
Can you see how you meet these needs for yourself?  how you contribute to your partner meeting these needs in themselves?

For help to do this and step out of blame or withdrawal – book in for a 2 hour  transformative initial session – Building Trust in Relationship. which will encompass this subject.

warmly

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