Creative relationships

Ever have a really good look at how anger effects your relationship?

When someone is angry, to some degree there are usually thoughts about “I am right, better than, have the answer.” “Or they shouldn’t/ should …”.  Or similar … this thinking  blocks creativity and it often blocks understanding and effective action.

Most of us do get annoyed, irritated or straight out angry at times.  And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless we don’t know how to handle it and create distress in our relationship and those around us.

Anger includes everything from irritation to annoyance in my view.  These are shades of the same kind of thinking and emotion. And I think all traces of anger are too valuable to ignore.

So it’s also important in my view to recognise that anger doesn’t always involve loud and shouting at each other.  It can display itself in cool disinterest and withdrawal too.

Whatever way you currently ‘hold/ express’ anger, the main thing is to  go beyond it! The place to go is down underneath it – picture subterranean streams of life and feeling flowing beneath the hard shield anger supports.  That’s where you want to head.  Down there is the juice that can feed your relationship.  Up at the irritation, sullen smouldering resistance or outright anger it is hard to get hold of something that will really shift you forward.

How? To go beyond the initial flush of anger find your breath, however you like to do this.  Maybe you do yoga, walking, running, sit and have a drink.  Breathe and centre.  Breathe and settle.

Note: These activities are not so you can distract yourself from the anger and then brush it aside.  They are to help you not go and act on the initial burst of anger.

In the quietness of your breath, descend underneath anger and discover the real feeling layer.  What feelings are here? Sadness, anxiety, distress, grief? Under these deeper more informative feelings, is a stream of wisdom and information that is trying to help you move forward, to open up and grow, find a new perspective.  So, what are you now aware of? What is critically important to you? Connection? Anger is often a protest about disconnection.  Security and safety?  What’s  this turmoil really about?

In our anger we don’t have to go to the truth of what is in our heart.  So sometimes we resist calming down and cutting through to this deeper layer. Perhaps because we have already decided what the next step would be and we don’t like that.  Often though, once you really get down to it, a whole new vista opens up.  Which can be quite different to what you expected.

So be ready to receive a new perspective when you get in the flow of this quieter energy within.  Then approach the issue or person that sparked your anger in a way from clarity, calmness with the intention to connect and understand each other.

warmly

Create miracles

The willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.

Paul Ferrini

“It’s so easy, why can’t you just do it?” he says exasperatedly.   Implied is “you should be able to do this’.  This resentful expression of what is important to him, is very hard to take in.  Her eyes smoulder and glisten. Angry?  Sad?  She interprets his exasperation as saying she is stupid and less together than she should be.  She makes no reply.

As soon as demand comes through, it is difficult for most of us to willingly move toward our partner – emotionally or physically.  The other part of the message that makes it hard for a willingness to love, to arise here, is the unsolicited education that follows “if you were more like this … or that … (insert your own words) then everything would be good here” .

He means to be helping them. However trying to educate our partner invariably meets them more like an authoritative parent and shuts out the miracle of connecting.

As soon as we start correcting, educating without permission, or making ourselves smaller to appease another – inequality is at play, disconnection occurs and conflict follows.

If each of us knew ourselves to be of equal value and significance, imagine our respectful, caring, creative world.  Let’s create this one relationship at a time.  Starting with taking responsibility for our part in perpetuating inequality in our families.

May you experience the miracle of true understanding and connection in yourself and your family.  Merry Christmas.

What shapes a relationship?

“I’ve have never heard that before.  I had no idea you felt so alone and shut off, now I understand that what you need is to know you are truly loved and accepted, just as you are.  I always thought you were angry with me”. – she said

“When I hear you saying how desperately you want to feel supported and to know that you have someone to lean into, I want you to have that.  I want to give that to you.” – he said

Our interactions shape our relationships and these examples above are of moments where a relationship is realigning and changing shape in the direction of closeness and deeper love.  These precious moments are like the tip of a new green shoot – soft and brand new.

They emerge when a couple is able to slow right down and listen deeply to their interactions and discover what is really going on.  This is the level at which emotional connection spontaneously shifts, healing and relationship growth happen.

Here are two short question you can ask yourself to check on the pulse of your relationship, perhaps take it to your partner and ask them.

How would you describe the space between yourself and your partner?
Is it calm and a bit flat or cold and a bit scary?  Or is it light, open, safe and warm?  How is it for you? A relationship is intangible so it is helpful to turn our attention to the intangible and tune into the quality of the space between us.

How would you like this space to be?
Answering this enables a the essence of a new quality of relating to be named and shared – free of blame.  Jot your answer down.

What gets put into the space that is a relationship?
Lots of things!  This space is an interesting and valuable territory to explore and nurture.

Small events that hurt get stowed away in the space and result in a veil or barrier to opening up and loving with all of our heart.  Toxic sharp comments or criticisms can also be loaded into the space.  These can be covering the hurt and sadness, maybe longing to for more contact and significance to your partner.

You make your relationship a safe, loving and warm place to live and grow in by:

• Cleaning up hurts or resentments, promptly if you can and if not, taking the time to revisit slowly, thoroughly and with care.
• Being responsible and conscious of about what gets put into the space. Is it loving and honest?
• Putting into the space loving words and actions, fun, rewarding times that are deeply satisfying for both of you.

It takes ALL three of these.  Focusing on one doesn’t usually outweigh the others.

Is there a hurt that you can clear today? Or an action you can take on one of the above points?

If you have a bit of a backlog or you’re out of balance with these three points, you will likely need help to clear and warm the space between you and your loved one.

Love all-ways