Create miracles
The willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.
Paul Ferrini
“It’s so easy, why can’t you just do it?” he says exasperatedly. Implied is “you should be able to do this’. This resentful expression of what is important to him, is very hard to take in. Her eyes smoulder and glisten. Angry? Sad? She interprets his exasperation as saying she is stupid and less together than she should be. She makes no reply.
As soon as demand comes through, it is difficult for most of us to willingly move toward our partner – emotionally or physically. The other part of the message that makes it hard for a willingness to love, to arise here, is the unsolicited education that follows “if you were more like this … or that … (insert your own words) then everything would be good here” .
He means to be helping them. However trying to educate our partner invariably meets them more like an authoritative parent and shuts out the miracle of connecting.
As soon as we start correcting, educating without permission, or making ourselves smaller to appease another – inequality is at play, disconnection occurs and conflict follows.
If each of us knew ourselves to be of equal value and significance, imagine our respectful, caring, creative world. Let’s create this one relationship at a time. Starting with taking responsibility for our part in perpetuating inequality in our families.
May you experience the miracle of true understanding and connection in yourself and your family. Merry Christmas.
Paul Ferrini
As I was driving to the Mall, to go shopping with my young adult daughter, I noticed I was completely neutral as I spoke with her. It was striking. I was just there. Of course, I would say I am often neutral. However my perception and valuing of ‘neutral’ has been vastly updated. A still, open, presence settled in the car whilst we spoke. We planned, cut short the time for our trip and agreed what we were going to get. And still, a vast, relaxed, presence nestled comfortably around us.
Had we lucked into this? There was certainly no planning, effort, working on saying or not saying things underlying this easeful quiet. No appearing single organiser, director, educator, improver – not even a tiny bit, which I can slip in to when I get her captive in the car, especially if I’m edgy and connection deprived! I was meeting her as a collaborator. Equal partners.
Life gives me a workout too and in especially my parenting conversations it has been easy for me to want to direct, throw up my hands or ‘help’. You know, to slip in a bit of education, a piece of useful wisdom (mine of course hah).
Of course I get a fair bit of feedback to work with :+). I have a saying that “If it’s not working for someone close to you, at some level what you are doing isn’t working for you either”.
So I heard the ‘nag’ feedback and when I imagined how it was to be on the other side of my communication (I could justify it due to circumstances or the actions of others, no problem, but no solution either) so for the past few months, I’ve been focusing on the challenge of engaging in simple, bare bones authentic, light, nag free communication. Of course I needed to find more of those qualities in me and that has been the gift – as there is in relationship.
It’s only possible to nag, if you have a certain type of thoughts – “I know better, am better and have a role/ job to help you – lesser mortal, benefit from my knowledge”. It’s hard to own these shadowy thoughts. Husbands/wives, partners, children, managers, colleagues – can all carry and act from these thoughts.
I don’t think a star fell as we made our way to the Mall. I go with Ferinni “The willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.”
Create your own miracleThe willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.
Paul Ferrini
As I was driving to the Mall, to go shopping with my young adult daughter, I noticed I was completely neutral as I spoke with her. It was striking. I was just there. Of course, I would say I am often neutral. However my perception and valuing of ‘neutral’ has been vastly updated. A still, open, presence settled in the car whilst we spoke. We planned, cut short the time for our trip and agreed what we were going to get. And still, a vast, relaxed, presence nestled comfortably around us.
Had we lucked into this? There was certainly no planning, effort, working on saying or not saying things underlying this easeful quiet. No appearing single organiser, director, educator, improver – not even a tiny bit, which I can slip in to when I get her captive in the car, especially if I’m edgy and connection deprived! I was meeting her as a collaborator. Equal partners.
Life gives me a workout too and in especially my parenting conversations it has been easy for me to want to direct, throw up my hands or ‘help’. You know, to slip in a bit of education, a piece of useful wisdom (mine of course hah).
Of course I get a fair bit of feedback to work with :+). I have a saying that “If it’s not working for someone close to you, at some level what you are doing isn’t working for you either”.
So I heard the ‘nag’ feedback and when I imagined how it was to be on the other side of my communication (I could justify it due to circumstances or the actions of others, no problem, but no solution either) so for the past few months, I’ve been focusing on the challenge of engaging in simple, bare bones authentic, light, nag free communication. Of course I needed to find more of those qualities in me and that has been the gift – as there is in relationship.
It’s only possible to nag, if you have a certain type of thoughts – “I know better, am better and have a role/ job to help you – lesser mortal, benefit from my knowledge”. It’s hard to own these shadowy thoughts. Husbands/wives, partners, children, managers, colleagues – can all carry and act from these thoughts.
I don’t think a star fell as we made our way to the Mall. I go with Ferinni “The willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.”
Create your own miracle
The willingness to love – to regard each other as equals – is the essence behind all miracle making.
What shapes a relationship?
“I’ve have never heard that before. I had no idea you felt so alone and shut off, now I understand that what you need is to know you are truly loved and accepted, just as you are. I always thought you were angry with me”. – she said
“When I hear you saying how desperately you want to feel supported and to know that you have someone to lean into, I want you to have that. I want to give that to you.” – he said
Our interactions shape our relationships and these examples above are of moments where a relationship is realigning and changing shape in the direction of closeness and deeper love. These precious moments are like the tip of a new green shoot – soft and brand new.
They emerge when a couple is able to slow right down and listen deeply to their interactions and discover what is really going on. This is the level at which emotional connection spontaneously shifts, healing and relationship growth happen.
Here are two short question you can ask yourself to check on the pulse of your relationship, perhaps take it to your partner and ask them.
How would you describe the space between yourself and your partner?
Is it calm and a bit flat or cold and a bit scary? Or is it light, open, safe and warm? How is it for you? A relationship is intangible so it is helpful to turn our attention to the intangible and tune into the quality of the space between us.
How would you like this space to be?
Answering this enables a the essence of a new quality of relating to be named and shared – free of blame. Jot your answer down.
What gets put into the space that is a relationship?
Lots of things! This space is an interesting and valuable territory to explore and nurture.
Small events that hurt get stowed away in the space and result in a veil or barrier to opening up and loving with all of our heart. Toxic sharp comments or criticisms can also be loaded into the space. These can be covering the hurt and sadness, maybe longing to for more contact and significance to your partner.
You make your relationship a safe, loving and warm place to live and grow in by:
- Cleaning up hurts or resentments, promptly if you can and if not, taking the time to revisit slowly, thoroughly and with care.
- Being responsible and conscious of about what gets put into the space. Is it loving and honest?
- Putting into the space loving words and actions, fun, rewarding times that are deeply satisfying for both of you.
It takes ALL three of these. Focusing on one doesn’t usually outweigh the others.
Is there a hurt that you can clear today? Or an action you can take on one of the above points?
If you have a bit of a backlog or you’re out of balance with these three points, you will likely need help to clear and warm the space between you and your loved one.
Love all-ways
Spinning in a positive direction
Last blog I wrote about how we get into negative or destructive cycles and these are the apparent undoing of our connection. This time I want to let you in on a secret when it comes to de-powering, unfolding and putting away the destructive cycle.
Usually emotions run strong in us and between us, until we might numb out to them. These emotions can seem to be a threat to the very close connection and happy times you would like to increase with your beloved.
Don’t think emotions need be loud to be hurtful, quiet and withdrawn energy is just as impactful and full of emotion. The dissolving of the destructive cycle happens as we bring full attention to the emotional energy that is powering it. Really feeling it and sharing it, instead of turning away from these feelings, trying to brighten things up or avoid being honest with each other.
We humans are delicate creatures, even the noisiest of us and infact sometimes especially the noisiest of us. Inside the upset, minor or major is invariably a gift of deeper understanding and empathy for each other. First make it safe to talk and share your feelings with each other.
A client recently commented that his family had been the ‘sort to disconnect everytime emotions rose to a certain level’. In order to create the closeness and intimacy he longed for, he decided to consciously move toward his emotions and find ways to express them. Without feelings and letting them out, life seems to get colder and lack friendship, camaraderie and initmacy.
To deepen your intimacy try being with feelings, yours and your partners. Get support if you need this, organise a babysitter or finish work early – share at this level constructively and gently recieve each other – the destructive cycle dissolves through new understanding of each other.
Next time I’ll share with you what fills the void left when the destructive cycle is no more!
Until next time, much love
Create positive change! 
Now Connect ~ Create Loving Connections
Embodying NVC Consciousness